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The only good thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others. 

The proof of the wedding is in the alimony.

When a man goes to his closet and says, "I don't have anything to wear," what he really means is "I don't have anything clean to wear." 

When a woman goes to her closet and says, "I don't have anything to wear," she really means, "I don't have anything new to wear."

Congress is a national inquisitorial body for the purpose of acquiring valuable information and then doing nothing about it.

Some people think life begins at conception, while others think life begins at birth. But some believe that life begins when the kid moves out and the dog he left behind dies. 

You spend 18  months trying to get your children to stand up and talk, and the next 18 years to get them to sit down and listen! 

No one can make you feel more humble than the repairman who discovers you've been trying to fix it yourself. 

The length of a minute depends on which side of a bathroom door you're standing on. 

Job security does not exist! 

The real head of a household is the one who has custody of the remote control.

No matter how many TV channels you switch to, you always get a commercial.

Charity is a sentiment common to human nature. A never sees B in distress without wishing C to relieve him.

For a good neighbour, it's hard to beat one who doesn't turn his snowblower around at the property line. 

When someone ask if you have a minute, he or she is really asking for 20. 

The way some houses are built, the only thing that'll last 30 years is the mortgage. 

A cocktail party is an affair where a mans gets stiff, a woman gets tight, and they return home to find that neither is either. 


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Shortly after Raymond Hitchcock made his first big hit in New York, Eddie Foy, who was also playing in town, happened to be passing Daly's Theatre, and paused to look at the pictures of Hitchcock and his company that adorned the entrance. Near the pictures was a billboard covered with laudatory extracts from newspaper criticisms of the show.
When Foy had moodily read to the bottom of the list, he turned to an unobtrusive young man who had been watching him out of the corner of his eye.

"Say, have you seen this show?" he asked.
"Sure," replied the young man.

"Any good? How's this guy Hitchcock, anyhow?"

"Any good?" repeated the young man pityingly. "Why, say, he's the best in the business. He's got all these other would-be side ticklers lashed to the mast. He's a scream. Never laughed so much at any one in all my life."

"Is he as good as Foy?" ventured Foy hopefully.

"As good as Foy!" The young man's scorn was superb. "Why, this Hitchcock has got that Foy person looking like a gloom. They're not in the same class. Hitchcock's funny. A man with feelings can't compare them. I'm sorry you asked me, I feel so strongly about it."

Eddie looked at him very sternly and then, in the hollow tones of a tragedian, he said: "I am Foy."

"I know you are," said the young man cheerfully. "I'm Hitchcock!"


At a Singapore book fair, P.G. Publishing's best-seller was 101 Questions and Answers About Pregnacy and Childbirth. This was entirely natural considering their best-seller the previous year had been 101 Questions and Answers About Sex.