Humor, Jokes, Quotes & Fun

Mankind are always happier for having been happy; so that if you make them happy now, you make them happy twenty years hence by the memory of it.
 —Sydney Smith.
Chicken Talk
The author who speaks about his own books is almost as bad as a mother who talks about her own children.—Disraeli.
"He's an honest young man" said the bar owner, with an approving smile. "He sold his vote to pay his whiskey bill."
Statesman rise and fall on the smallest of actions (MarkHelprin)
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Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.
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A clean basement means a cluttered garage.
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If you pull the wings off of a fly, does it become
a walk?
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Country music is three chords and the truth(Harlan Howard)
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Question: What do you call an intelligent man in America? Answer: A tourist.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. (S.Wright).

Question: How do blonde brain cells die? Answer: Alone.

A pessimist is NEVER disappointed!

Thirty Ways to Scare People in the lab.

Do vampires get AIDS?

Real Life Humor
"Do you have much trouble with your automobile?"
"Trouble! Say, I couldn't have more if I was married to the blamed machine." 
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Men's Life Styles 
Through the Ages
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Rent a PIZZA!
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A farmer, according to this definition, is a man who makes his money on the farm and spends it in town. An agriculturist is a man who makes his money in town and spends it on the farm.

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The SECRET of happiness is to count your blessings - NOT your problems!
It is easy enough to restrain our anger when the other fellow is the bigger.
When a husband loses his temper he usually finds his wife's.
Question: What is the penalty for bigamy?
Answer: 2 mothers-in-law.
Golfers Humor
The dentist is one who pulls out the teeth of others to obtain employment for his own.
They are as sick that surfeit with too much, as they that starve with nothing.—Shakespeare.
A twelve course dinner might be described as a gastronomic marathon. —John E. Rosser.
Economy is a way of spending money without getting any fun out of it.
An economist is usually a man who can save money by cutting down some other person's expenses.
It is better to decide a difference between enemies than friends, for one of our friends will certainly become an enemy and one of our enemies a friend.
 —Bias.
Law Humor
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The wife of a Prime Minister is called a Primate.