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Humor
& Jokes Unlimited - Other Humor 1
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Two tomatoes were walking over the
street, one in
front of the other and the first one was frustrated with how slow the
other
one
was. When they crossing the street, the second tomato was run over by a
car, and the other one replied
" OH, COME ON JUICE!" |
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TWO
NEWFIES
INTO A PET STORE
Two
newfies walked into a pet store. The first says "I
want four
budgies."
Salesman: Certainly sir, would you
like two male and
two female or
all male or all female?
Newfie: I don't
care. I just want 4 budgies!
Salesman:
Certainly sir, what color would you like? We
have yellow,
blue, gr...
Newfie: I don't
care what color they are, just put
four budgies
in a
box for me. Is that too hard?
Salesman: O.K.
O.K.
The two newfies pay for the budgies and leave. They
drive out to
this high cliff in Newfoundland and the first newfie reaches in the box
and pulls out two of the birds, grasps them firmly and jumps off the
cliff
while flapping his arms. Of course he SPLATS at the bottom.
The second newfie looks down at his friend's twisted
remains and
says "What a shame. this budgie jumping isn't all it's cracked up to
be!" |
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Rabbit Story
One guy comes home from work one day to find his dog
with the neighbor's
pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He
thinks
the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty,
chewed
up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and
puts
the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will
think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is
outside
and asks the guy, "Did you hear that
Fluffy died?". The guy stumbles
around
and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what
happened?". The neighbor replies, "We
just
found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day
after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave
him
a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick
people
out there!" |
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ADDRESSING
When
principal was addressing the graduating class of a large eastern
college for women, he began his remarks with the usual salutation,
"Young ladies of '99." Then in a horrified aside he added, "That's an
awful age for a girl!"
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MATHEMATICIANS
Two old salts who had spent most of their
lives on fishing smacks had an argument one day as to which was the
better mathematician. Finally the captain of their ship proposed the
following problem which each would try to work out: 'If a fishing crew
caught 500 pounds of cod and brought their catch to port and sold it at
6 cents a pound, how much would they receive for the fish?
Well, the two old fellows got to work, but neither seemed able to
master the intricacies of the deal in fish, and they were unable to get
any answer.
At last old Bill turned to the captain and asked him to repeat the
problem. The captain started off: 'If a fishing crew caught 500 pounds
of cod and—.'
"'Wait a moment,' said Bill, 'is it codfish they caught?'
"'Yep,' said the captain.
"'Darn it all,' said Bill. 'No wonder I couldn't get an answer. Here
I've been figuring on salmon all the time.'"
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