How To Freak Out People While Ordering A Pizza
1. Do not name the toppings you want.  Rather, spell them out. 
2. Make up a charge-card name.  Ask if they accept it. 
3. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation." 
4. Rattle off your order with a determined air.  If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented. 
5. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. Change your accent every three seconds. 
10.Use these bonus words while ordering: FAT  FREE SPIRITED COST - EFFICIENT  INTERNATIONAL  PIZZA. 
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song.
13. Use CB lingo where applicable.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread." 
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else.  (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser!  Cheeser!) 
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing. 
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver. 
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering.  Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. 
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines.  Order them as toppings. 
23. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful. 
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper. 
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere.  Say "Bed - Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ".  A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window." 
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener. 
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box.  When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief. 



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Two political opponents were invited to a dinner. Mr. Democrat was to speak first, and it fell to the lot of Mr. Republican to introduce him, which he did thus: "Gentlemen, permit me to introduce Mr. Democrat, America's most inveterate after-dinner speaker. All you need to do to get a speech out of Mr. Democrat is to open his mouth, drop in a dinner and up comes your speech."
Mr. Democrat thanked his opponent for his compliment, and then said: "Mr. Republican says if you open my mouth and drop in a dinner up will come a speech, but I warn you that if you open your mouths and drop in one of Mr. Republican's speeches up will come your dinners."
Mark Twain and Chauncey M. Depew once went abroad on the same ship. When the ship was a few days out they were both invited to a dinner. Speech-making time came. Mark Twain had the first chance. He spoke twenty minutes and made a great hit. Then it was Mr. Depew's turn.
"Mr. Toastmaster and Ladies and Gentlemen," said the famous raconteur as he arose, "Before this dinner Mark Twain and myself made an agreement to trade speeches. He has just delivered my speech, and I thank you for the pleasant manner in which you received it. I regret to say that I have lost the notes of his speech and cannot remember anything he was to say."
Then he sat down. There was much laughter. Next day an Englishman who had been in the party came across Mark Twain in the smoking-room. "Mr Clemens," he said, "I consider you were much imposed upon last night. I have always heard that Mr. Depew is a clever man, but, really, that speech of his you made last night struck me as being the most infernal rot."