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FROM
COMEDIANS VOL.2
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| Laugh
and the world laughs with you, Weep, and the laugh's on you. |
| "Right now
I'm having amnesia
and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before," says
comedian Steven Wright. |
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| "The
best thing about
getting older is that you gain sincerity," says comedian Tommy
Smothers.
"Once you learn how to fake that, there's nothing you can't do. |
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| "I have a
friend who became
a billionaire by inventing Cliffs Notes," says comic Steven Wright.
"When
I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, 'Well, to make a
long
story short...' " |
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| "A lot
of people wonder
how you know if you're really in love," says comedian Ronnie Shakes.
"Just
ask yourself one Question: "Would I mind being destroyed financially by
this person?" |
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| "You know
how it is when
you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading,
reading...
And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like
that
all the time," says comedian Steven Wright. |
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| "I
recently went to my 30th
class reunion from nursery school," says comic Wendy Leibman. "I didn't
want to go because I've put on maybe 90 or 100 pounds since then." |
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| "I
bought a self-learning
record to learn Spanish," says comedian Steven Wright. "I turned it on
and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could
only
stutter in Spanish." |
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| "I went to
the ballet the
other night for the first time and saw the women dancing on their
tiptoes,"
says comedian Greg Ray. "Why don't they just get taller girls?" |
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| I put
tape on the mirrors
in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another
dimension.
(Comedian Steven Wright) |
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| "I sold my
house this week,"
reports comedian Garry Shandling. "I got a pretty good price for it,
but
it made my landlord mad as hell." |
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| "I got
a new shadow.
I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was
doing,"
- said comedian Steven Wright |
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| I wrote a
song, but I can't
read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll
be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written
that."
(Steven Wright) |
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Send
a link or joke to a friend
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SPEECH
Well known politician was the guest of
honor at a dinner in an
important
city. The Mayor presided, and when coffee was being served the Mayor
leaned
over and touched his guest, saying, "Shall we let the people
enjoy
themselves a little longer, or had we better have your speech now?"
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CHARACTER
There is an old story of a Scotch gentleman
who had to dismiss his
gardener
for dishonesty. For the sake of the man's wife and family, however, he
gave him a "character," and framed it in this way: "I hereby certify
that
A. B. has been my gardener for over two years, and that during that
time
he got more out of the garden than any man I ever employed." |
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RECOMMENDATION
The young girl, worker at local greenhouse,
had been hinting that she did not think much of
working
out, and this in conjunction with the nightly appearance of a rather
sheepish
young man caused her boss much apprehension.
"Martha, is it possible that you are thinking of getting married?"
"Yes'm," admitted Martha, blushing.
"Not that young fellow who has been calling on you lately?"
"Yes'm he's the one."
"But you have only known him a few days."
"Three weeks come Thursday," corrected Martha.
"Do you think that is long enough to know a man before taking such
an
important step?"
"Well," answered Martha with spirit, "'tain't 's if he was some new
feller. He's well recommended; a perfectly lovely girl I know was
engaged
to him for a long while." |
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