COMPUTER VIRUSES
VIRUS ALERT Suggest immediately scan your computer for the following viruses:
A
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
ATTORNEY VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with money and think it's an attorney. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will harm your customers.
B
BACKSPACE VIRUS: Your PC erase character behind computer. It makes a lot of women mad just thinking about it.
BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attachs it. (But that part will never work again.)
C
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits eratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for 
the problem.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
D
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong with your computer, ewe just can't figyour out watt.
E
ELVIS VIRUS: Your PC gets fat, slowand lazy, then selfdestructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
F
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
G
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs... No new  files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congrssional Virus.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

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HEALTH RESORTS
"Where've you been, Ken?"
"To a health resort. Finest place I ever struck. It was simply great."
"Then why did you come back?"
"Oh, I got sick and had to come home."
"Are you going back?"
"You bet. Just as soon as I get well enough."

Medical Humor & Jokes

KITTEN
Little Mary, who had fallen ill, begged for a kitten. It was found that an operation was necessary for the child's cure, and that she must go to the hospital. The mother promised that if she would be very brave during this time of trial she should have the very finest kitten to be found.
As Mary was coming out from the influence of the anesthetic, the nurse heard her muttering, and stooping, heard these words:
"This is a very hard way to get a cat."

Political Jokes

BEHAVIOR
Three students from Yale, Princeton and Harvard were in a room when an old lady entered. The Yale student asked languidly if some fellow ought not to give a chair to the lady; the Princeton student slowly brought one, and the Harvard student deliberately sat down in it.

On Kids Way

NEW BRAND
"I see you carrying home a new kind of breakfast food," remarked the first commuter.
"Yes," said the second commuter, "I was missing too many trains. The old brand required three seconds to prepare. You can fix this new brand in a second and a half."