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COMPUTER VIRUSES


ATTENTION USERS!
SOME OF THESE HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO JUMP OUT
OF THE MACHINES AND ATTACK THE USERS.
OUR COMPANY TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY
VIRUSES THAT ATTACK THE READERS OF THIS LIST. 

H
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Test your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
I
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
J
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again
K
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
L
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self - defense."
M
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
N
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
O
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back.
O. J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you  just can't prove it.
P
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:>
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism"
R
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
S
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
T
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
X
XY PRESIDENTIAL VIRUS:  All files disappear, only to reappear very mysteriously a year later, in another dress directory.

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Customer (angrily):
"The size of your bill makes my blood boil."
Computer Repairman: "Then that will be $100 more for sterilizing your system."

Viruses

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WORKER: "My husband's check-book."

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BUSINESS ENTERPRISE
Three computer stores were on the same block. One morning the middle proprietor saw to the right of him a big sign—"Bankrupt Sale," and to the left—"Closing Out at Cost." Twenty minutes later there appeared over his own door, in larger letters, "Main Entrance."

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HELP WANTED
A student looking for something to do during summer saw the sign on computer store "Help Wanted" hanging outside of a store. He picked up the sign and entered the store.
The proprietor met him. "What did you bring that sign in here for?" asked the storekeeper.
"You won't need it any more," said the student cheerfully. "I'm going to take the job."

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