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Humor Pages - Intoxicated Vol.1
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Plastered
A fellow
decides to take off early
from work and
go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2 a.m., at which time he
is
extremely
drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he
takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the
stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That
wouldn't
have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in
his
back pockets and they broke, so the broken glass carved up his buttocks
terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few
minutes
later as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out
in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something
terrible.
Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances,
and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his
rear
was hurting and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up
some
good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said.
"Where'd
you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for
a couple
of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You
got
plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "My first big clue was when
I got up
this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
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Prizes
Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub
enjoying a few
quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly
raffle.
They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The
following
week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize. Tom won the
first
prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the
winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet
spaghetti.
And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush. When they met in the
pub
a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their
prizes.
"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet
brush, Harry?"
"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go
back to paper..." |
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Send
a link or joke to a friend
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A priest
went to a barber shop conducted by one of his Irish
parishioners
to get a shave.
He observed the barber was suffering from a recent
celebration,
but decided to take a chance. In a few moments the barber's razor had
nicked
the father's cheek.
"There, Pat, you have cut
me," said the priest as
he
raised his hand and caressed the wound.
"Yis, y'r riv'rance,"
answered
the barber.
"That shows you,"
continued the priest, in a tone of
censure,
"what the use of liquor
will do."
"Yis, y'r
riv'rance," replied the
barber,
humbly, "it makes the skin tender."
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Two booze-fiends were ambling homeward
at an early hour, after being
out nearly all night.
"Don't
your wife miss you on these occasions?" asked one.
"Not
often," replied the other; "she
throws pretty straight."
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