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Humor Pages - Intoxicated Vol.1


A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2 a.m., at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke, so the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. 
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" 
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "My first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."


Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize. Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush. When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?" 
"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."



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A priest went to a barber shop conducted by one of his Irish parishioners to get a shave.
He observed the barber was suffering from a recent celebration, but decided to take a chance. In a few moments the barber's razor had nicked the father's cheek.

"There, Pat, you have cut me," said the priest as he raised his hand and caressed the wound.

"Yis, y'r riv'rance," answered the barber.

"That shows you," continued the priest, in a tone of censure, "what the use of liquor will do."

 "Yis, y'r riv'rance," replied the barber, humbly, "it makes the skin tender."


Two booze-fiends were ambling homeward at an early hour, after being out nearly all night.

"Don't your wife miss you on these occasions?" asked one.

"Not often," replied the other; "she throws pretty straight."