Humor Pages - Intoxicated Vol.2


MAGISTRATE: "And what was the prisoner doing?"

CONSTABLE: "E were 'avin' a very 'eated argument with a cab driver, yer worship."

MAGISTRATE: "But that doesn't prove he was drunk."

CONSTABLE: "Ah, but there worn't no cab driver there, yer worship."


A modest man was in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. But he completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possible face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window. A drunkard was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard. 
The security guard asked, "What's going on here?!?!?" 
And the drunk replied, "I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"



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Wishing to give his Scottish best friend a treat an Englishman invited him to London, and on the night after his arrival took him to a hotel to dine. During the early part of the dinner the Scot was noticed to help himself very liberally to the champagne, glass after glass of the wine disappearing. Still he seemed very downhearted and morose. Presently he was heard to remark, "Well, I hope they'll not be very long wi' the whisky, as I dinna get on verra weel wi' these mineral waters."



Sing a song of sick gents,
Pockets full of rye,
Four and twenty highballs,
We wish that we might die.