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Humor Pages - Intoxicated Vol.3

"He's an honest young man" said the bartender, with an approving smile. "He sold his vote to pay his whiskey bill."


A man came into a bar and ordered three shots of whisky, which he quikly drank one after another. When he finished the last one, he ordered three more.

The bartender said, "You know, that isn't good for you."

"I know," the man replied, "Particularly with what I have."

"What do you have?" the bartender asked. "One dollar."


An American captain, who was recomanded to Irak in command of the regular troups tells this story of an older soldier Pat:

Our march had been a long and tiresome one, and as the bivouac was being made for the night, the captain noticed that Pat was looking very much fatigued. Thinking that a small drop of whisky might do him good, the captain called Pat aside and said, "Pat, will you have a wee drink of whisky?" Pat made no answer, but folded his arms in a reverential manner and gazed upward. The captain repeated the question several times, but no answer from Pat, who stood silent and motionless, gazing devoutly into the sky.

Finally the captain, taking him by the shoulder and giving him a vigorous shake said: "Pat, why don't you answer? I said, 'Pat, will you have a drink of whisky?'"

After looking around in considerable astonishment Pat replied: "And is it yez, captain? I thought it was an angel spakin' to me."



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A Scotch minister and his servant, who were coming home from a wedding, began to consider the state into which their potations at the wedding feast had left them.

"Sandy," said the minister, "just stop a minute here till I go ahead. Maybe I don't walk very steady and the good wife might remark something not just right."

He walked ahead of the servant for a short distance and then asked:

"How is it? Am I walking straight?"

"Oh, ay," answered Sandy thickly, "ye're a' recht—but who's that who's with ye."


A man in a very deep state of intoxication was shouting and kicking most vigorously at a lamp post, when the noise attracted a near-by policeman.

"What's the matter?" he asked the energetic one.

"Oh, never mind, mishter. Thash all right," was the reply; "I know she'sh home all right—I shee a light upshtairs."