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If you pull the wings off of a fly, does it become a walk?
PRIDE is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale. 
PANIC is what you feel when you realize your car is missing. 


Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions." 

Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin!  That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!"  She sat down, red-faced. 

"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin 

"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan. 

"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you:
First, you have not studied your lesson.
Second, you have a dirty mind.
And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!"

Using His Head

While riding his bike to the video store, a ten-year-old boy, recalled how the clerk had on a previous occasion insisted on seeing some identification before she'd rent him a video under his family membership. 

Rather than bike all the way home, he stopped at a friend's house and asked to borrow a pen. At the video store, when' the clerk again asked for'some ID, boy whipped off his baseball 'cap and showed her his name neatly printed on the inside. Clerk rented him the video.



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Little Jane: "George and I have been down-stairs in the dining-room, Papa. We've been playing Husband and Wife!"

Papa: "How did you do that, my dear?"

Little Jane: "Well, Georgy sat at one end of the table, and I sat at the other; and Georgy said, 'This food isn't fit to eat!' and I said, 'It's all you'll get!' and Georgy said, 'Damn!' and I got up and left the room!"

Golfers Humor

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression. 

Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ..." 

"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly. 

"What bus should I take home?" the boy finished.

Son to his father as they watch television: "Dad, tell me again how when you were a kid you had to walk all the way across the room to change the channel."