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English Sketches From Life

By Advertisers and on Sign-boards

The old sign at Abraham Lowe's inn, Douglas, Isle of Man, was accompanied by this quaint verse:

"I'm Abraham Lowe, and half way up the hill,
If I were higher up wat's funnier still,
I should be Lowe. Come in and take your fill
Of porter, ale, wine, spirits what you will.
Step in, my friend, I pray no further go,
My prices, like myself, are always low."


Two young women want washing.

* * *

Teeth extracted with great pains.

* * *

Babies taken and finished in ten minutes by a country photographer.

* * *

Wood and coal split. Please call...

* * *

Wanted, a female who has a knowledge of fitting boots of a good moral character.

* * *

For sale, a handsome piano, the property of a young lady who is leaving Scotland in a walnut case with turned legs.

* * *

To be sold, a splendid gray horse, calculated for a charger, or would carry a lady with a switch tail.

* * *

Wanted, a young man to take charge of horses of a religious turn of mind.

* * *

On a vacant lot back of Covington, Kentucky, was posted this interesting sign board:

"No plane base Boll on these Primaces."

* * *

Old notice in a Hoboken ferry-boat:

"The seats in this cabin are reserved for ladies. Gentlemen are requested not to occupy them until the ladies are seated."

* * *

A baker displays the sign, "Family Baking Done Here." The sign would look more appropriate if it were in front of some of our "cool and well-ventilated" summer-resort hotels.

* * *

A family restaurant displays this sign:

"Oyster pies open all night," and "Coffee and cakes off the griddle."

* * *

An old photographer's sign reads:

"This style 3 pictures finished in fifteen minutes while you wait for twenty-five cents beautifully colored."

* * *

Among antique carriages to be disposed of, mention is made of "a mail phaeton, the property of a gentleman with a moveable head as good as new."

* * *

From and old sign in a Pennsylvania town:

"John Smith, teacher of cowtillions and other dances—grammar taut in the neatest manner—fresh salt herrin on draft—likewise Goodfreys cordjial—rutes sassage and other garden truck—N. B. bawl on friday nite—prayer meetin chuesday—also salme singing by the quire."

* * *

The following notice appeared on the fence of a vacant lot in Brooklyn:
 "All persons are forbidden to throw ashes on this lot under penalty of the law or any other garbage."

* * *

A barber's sign in Buffalo: "This is the place for physiognomical hair-cutting and ecstatic shaving and shampooing."

* * *

An old San Francisco black man of poetic aspirations, proclaims his superior skill in the following lines, pasted over the door of his establishment:

"No day was e'er so bright,
So black was never a night,
As will your boots be, if you get
Them blacked right in here, you bet!"

* * *

The following appears on an old Welsh shoemaker's sign-board: "Pryce Dyas Coblar, dealer in Bacco Shag and Pig Tail Bacon and Ginarbread, Eggs laid by me, and very good Paradise in the summer, Gentlemen and Lady can have good Tae and Crumpets and Straw berry with a scim milk, because I can't get no cream. N. B. Shuse and Boots mended very well."

* * *

From an old Irish inn:

"Within this hive we're all alive,
With whiskey sweet as honey;
If you are dry, step in and try,
But don't forget your money."

* * *

An old inn near London had a board with the following inscription:

Drink Moderately,
Pay Honourably;
Be good Company,
Go HOME quietly.
Let those lines be no MAN'S sorrow,
Pay to DAY and i'll TRUST tomorrow."

* * *


A lady advertises her desire for a husband "with a Roman nose having strong religious tendencies."

Wanted, a young man to look after a horse of the Methodist persuasion.

Wanted, an accomplished poodle nurse. Wages, $500 a week.

In the far West a man advertises for a woman: "to wash, iron and milk one or two cows."

An advertiser, having made an advantageous purchase, offers for sale, on very low terms, "six dozen of prime port wine, late the property of a gentleman forty years of age, full of body, and with a high bouquet."

A steamboat-captain, in advertising for an excursion, closes thus: "Tickets, $25; children half price, to be had at the captain's office."

An old English matrimonial advertisement reads as follows: "A young man about 25 years of Age, in a very good trade, whose Father will make him worth £1000, would willingly embrace a suitable MATCH. He has been brought up a Dissenter with his Parents, and is a sober man."

Interesting advertising from an old local newspaper: "A landlady, innocent of grammatical knowledge, advertises that she has "a fine, airy, well-furnished bedroom for a gentleman twelve feet square"; another has "a cheap and desirable suit of rooms for a respectable family in good repair"; still another has "a hall bedroom for a single woman 8 × 12."
An inducement to return property is offered as follows: "If the gentleman who keeps the shoe store with a red head will return the umbrella of a young lady with whalebone ribs and an iron handle to the slate-roofed grocer's shop, he will hear of something to his advantage, as the same is a gift of a deceased mother now no more with the name engraved upon it."

A large Spanish blue gentleman's cloak lost in the neighborhood of the market.

A chemist inquires, "Will the gentleman who left his stomach for analysis please call and get it, together with the result?"

Lost a cameo brooch representing Venus and Adonis on the Drumcondra Road about 10 o'clock on Tuesday evening.
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