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English Sketches From Life 2

Title Was Inadequate

Uncle Harris, the old servant of Colonel Slemmens of Monticello, Ark., approached the Colonel one morning and said: "Could you lemme look into yo' dictionary a minute, Kuhnel?"

" Dictionary, " replied the Colonel, "what do you want with the dictionary?"

"Well," replied the old servant, "I jes want to find a couple of words to add to my lodge-office title. Dey done chose me last night, to be gran' high most worthy exalted imperial plenipotentiary, but it strikes me
dat sounds jes' a little bit cheap. "

- From Louisville Post.

A scientist in Paris claims to have discovered a sugar-secreted germ which he calls a "glycobacter" and which, he says, if introduced in the colon, will destroy the old-age germ and prolong life. It is to be hoped that the glycobacter will prove practicable, but one should be cautious about monkeying with his colon, lest he come to a full stop.

- From Nashville Democrat.

Here is some descriptive evidence of personal peculiarities:

  • "A fellow was arrested with short hair."
  • "I saw a man digging a well with a Roman nose."
  • "A house was built by a mason of brown stone."
  • "Wanted—A room by two gentlemen thirty feet long and twenty feet wide."
  • "A man from Africa called to pay his compliments tall and dark-complexioned."
  • "I perceived that it had been scoured with half an eye."

Here is a curious evidence of philanthropy: "A wealthy gentleman will adopt a little boy with a small family."

In an account of travels we are assured that "a pearl was found by a sailor in a shell."

A store-keeper assures his customers that "the longest time and easiest terms are given by any other house in the city."

A man kisses a woman first reverently, then passionately, then tenderly, then casually, and then dutifully.

* * *

The man who kisses a girl at the first opportunity is a fool; the man who waits for the second is an optimist; the man who waits for the third a philosopher; the man who waits for the fourth is a speculator, and the man who waits any longer is a freak.

- A Batchelor Maid's Reflections.
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