Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is dead.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the road, the road gazes also across you.

Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

Katherine McKinnon: Because, in this patriarchial state, for the last four centuries, men have applied their principles of justice in determining how chickens should be cared for, their language has demeaned the identity of the chicken, their technonogy and trucks have decided how and where chickens will be distributed their science has become the basis for what chickens eat, their sense of humor has provided the framework for this joke, their art and film have given us our perception of chicken life, their lust for flesh has has made the chicken the most consumned animal in the US, and their legal system has left the chicken with no other recourse.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.



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The man, passing through the market, saw a turtle for the first time, and surveyed it with great interest. The creature's head was withdrawn, but as the investigator fumbled about the shell, it shot forward and nipped his finger. With a howl of pain he stuck his finger in his mouth, and sucked it.

"What's the matter?" the fishmonger asked with a grin.

"Nothin'—jest nothin' a tall," the man answered thickly. "I was only wonderin' whether I had been bit or stung."
Advertisements are of great use to the vulgar. First of all, as they are instruments of ambition. A man that is by no means big enough for the Gazette, may easily creep into the advertisements; by which means we often see an apothecary in the same paper of news with a plenipotentiary, or a running footman with an ambassador.

THE LADY: "Well, I'll give you a $1.00; not because you deserve it, mind, but because it pleases me."

THE TRAMP: "Thank you, mum. Couldn't yer make it a $5.00 an' thoroly enjoy yourself?"
On Kids Way
The eloquent American clergyman, at a recent charity banquet said of charity:

"Too many of us, perhaps, misinterpret the meaning of charity as the local farmer misinterpreted the Scriptural text. This farmer, a prominent supporter of our church, entered in his journal:

"'The Scripture ordains that, if a man take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also. To-day, having caught the hostler stealing my potatoes, I have given him the sack.'"