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A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity.  Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did our research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "" "--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" 
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" 
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"


"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to her lawyer, after he had  solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," lawyer replied, "Ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has  been  only  one answer to that easy question."


At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another:
"Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" 
"Really?" the other replied, 
"Why did you switch?" 
"Well, for four very good reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, third there are some things even a rat won't do, and fourth sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings." 


A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" 
The housewife replies: "Four!". 
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time." 
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?" 



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Some physicians direct their patients to lie always on the right side, declaring that it is injurious to the health to lie on both sides. Yet, lawyers as a class enjoy good health.

Law Humor

"Did you give up anything during Lent?" one lawyer asked another.
"Yes," was the reply, uttered with a heavy sigh. "I gave up hundred dollars for a new Easter bonnet."

Wedding & Marriage Humor

The young lawyer was strong-minded, and she was religious, and she was also afflicted with a very feminine fear of thunder storms. She was delivering an address at a lawyer's convention when a tempest suddenly broke with din of thunder and flare of lightning. Above the noise of the elements, her voice was heard in shrill supplication:
"O Lord, take us under Thy protecting wings, for Thou knowest that feathers are splendid non-conductors."

Political Jokes

"How did you find your steak?" asked the waiter of a lawyer in the very expensive restaurant.
"Just luck," the hungry lawyer replied, sadly. "I happened to move that small piece of potato, and there it was!"