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Medical Humor & Jokes Vol.6

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
  • "Nurse, did this patient sign the organ-donor card?"
  • "Everyone stand back, I think I lost a contact."
  • "Someone call the janitor, we're going to need a mop and a bucket!"
  • "Sterile, schmerile; at least the operating-room floor is clean."
  • "Hey, that's cool! Now, can you make his leg twitch?"

"So, Jane, how did you break that arm?"
Jane: "Oh, my dear doctor, on most stupid way; I was accidentally dusting."


The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Specialist (to patient suffering from insomnia):
"And did you try my plan of counting sheep coming through a gate?"

Patient: "Well, I counted up to a hundred and twenty thousand and thirty-nine, and then it was time to get up."


A modest man was in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. But he completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possible face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window. A drunkard was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard. The security guard asked, "What's going on here?!?!?" And the drunk replied, "I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

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Doctor: "Are these poor relations of yours blood relations?"
Mrs. Fulpurse: "Yes; they are ever bleeding me."


It was a very wet night, so Bill and his sweetheart decided to visit the movie theater.
On the way she evidently was annoyed with her lover, for she turned to him, and said, angrily, "Aw wish tha would gie up sucking thi teeth; it's so rude when people are about!"
"Don't thee talk so silly," he replied in aggrieved tones. "It's my rubber 'eel pads that's causing that noise!"
* * *
"Papa," said little boy, "can you explain philosophy to me?"
"Of course I can," answered his proud parent.
"Natural philosophy, my son, is the science of cause and reason. Now, for instance, you see the steam coming out of that kettle, but you don't know why, or for what reason it does so, and——"
"Oh! but I do, papa," chirped little boy knowingly. "The reason the steam comes out of the kettle is so that ma can open your letters without you knowing it."