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Real Life Humor Vol.1

Boss: What do you mean by such language?  Are you the manager here or am I?
Worker: I know I'm not the manager.
Boss: Very well, then, if you're not the manager, why do you talk like a blamed idiot?

Special Aid

Canadian Forces unit, while deplayed in Bosnia with NATO, received a call to aid a vehicle that had run out' of gas. When the men arrived on the scene, they couldn't help laughing. It was a fuel truck with 2,200 litres of fuel on board. 

Rain Check

Her vacation at the home of some friends was marred by a nasty attack of flu. As she recovered, they kidded her about the date of her funeral, her preference for floral tributes and so on. Once home, she phoned the florist to send a thank-you gift to her hosts. Her voice still suffering from the effects of nasal congestion, she dictated the message to accompany the flowers: "The wake is off. I'll take a rain check on the black pansies." 
When the florist's delivered her gift, he surprised her hostess with a wide smile and knowing wink. The reason for his behaviour became clear when she read the mangled message: "The date is off. I'll take a rain check on the black panties." 

Site to Behold

The kids and she left home early in order to arrive at the campsite before the crowd. Because her husband, had to work that day, he had arranged for them to meet his best friend and his wife at the park, and he'd meet them later. When her husband arrived at the gate, he stopped at the booth and said to the attendant: "My wife's camping here with my best friend. Do you know which site they're in?"

Relatively Confused

Her daughter, had just moved from Edmonton, where she had been living for several years, to Vancouver. She was staying with them till she moved into her own apartment. When she was on the phone with her sister in Edmonton when her daughter popped her head out of her room and said, "Tell her I miss the mall."I repeated "Tina says she misses the mall..-" Tina quickly opened her door again, an amused look on her face, and said, "N-o-o-o... them all!"

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Mother: "Well, Mollie, how do you like your new teacher?"

"I half like her, and I half don't like her. But I think I half don't like her most."

Other Humor & Jokes

Mark Twain constantly received letters and photographs from men who had been told that they looked like him. One was from Florida, and the likeness, as shown by the man's picture, was really remarkable so remarkable, indeed, that he sent the following acknowledgment:
"My Dear Sir: I thank you very much for your letter and the photograph. In my opinion you are certainly more like me than any other of my doubles. In fact, I am sure that if you stood before me in a mirrorless frame I could shave by you."

Medical Humor & Jokes

When Queen Liliuokalani was in England during the English queen's jubilee, she was received at Buckingham Palace. In the course of the remarks that passed between the two queens, the one from the Sandwich Islands said that she had English blood in her veins.
"How so?" inquired Queen Victoria.
"My ancestors ate Captain Cook."