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Real Life Humor Vol.3

Uncle: "Well, old chap, we've not done anything together for a long time. How about the Zoo next Sunday, eh?"
Little Boy: "Thanks very much. I can't say off-hand, but I'll ring you up."

Time Travelling

When she promised to host a neighbour's 90th birthday party, she never imagined she'd need two heads and the arms of an octopus to handle all the details for an event that rapidly escalated from neighbourhood get - together to what seemed like a city-wide celebration. "I'll be lucky to get through that day," she moaned to the celebrant just two days before the big event. "At my age," old lady shot back, "I don't worry about getting through that day, I worry about getting to that day"


Ann (aged six): "Mother, you know that lovely purse you gave me for my birthday?"
Mother: "Yes, dear! What of it?"
Ann: "It makes me feel orful to think of it just lyin' in the drawer 'ithout a cent in its stummick."

Not Strong Enough

Laurie, aged five, was taken by her grandmother to have tea with an aunt. Presently she began to eat a piece of very rich cake.
"Oh, I just love this chocolate cake!" she exclaimed. "It's awfully nice."
"Laurie, dear," corrected her grandmother, "it is wrong to say you 'love' cake, and I've frequently pointed out that 'just' is wrongly used in such a sentence. Again, 'awfully' is quite wrong, 'very' would be more correct, dear. Now repeat your remark, please."
Laurie obediently repeated: "I like chocolate cake; it is very good."
"That's better, dear," said the grandmother, approvingly.
"But it sounds as if I was talking about bread," protested the little girl.

Tourist: "Have you any cold meat?"
Waiter: "Well, we have some that's nearly cold, Sir."

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MOTHER (to inquisitive child): "Stand aside. Don't you see the gentleman wants to take the lady's picture?"
CHILD: "Why does he want to?"

Wedding & Marriage Humor

One morning as Mark Twain returned from a neighborhood morning call, sans necktie, his wife met him at the door with the exclamation: "There, you have been over to the Stowes's again without a necktie! It's really disgraceful the way you neglect your dress!"
Her husband said nothing, but went up to his room.
A few minutes later his neighbor—Mrs. S.—was summoned to the door by a messenger, who presented her with a small box neatly done up. She opened it and found a black silk necktie, accompanied by the following note: "Here is a necktie. Take it out and look at it. I think I stayed half an hour this morning. At the end of that time will you kindly return it, as it is the only one I have?—Mark Twain."

Golfers Humor